Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
