Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
