Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
