turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
