tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
