I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
