This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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