Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize