OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
