I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
