i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Bring me that man meat
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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