He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
