My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
