i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
