Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I touched a dick in church today
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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