I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
