I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
