dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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