You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
