Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
