You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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