I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
