i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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