just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
