I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
