When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
