yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
