I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
