she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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