took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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