i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
