I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
