How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
