if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
