sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
