Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize