I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
