i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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