I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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