She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
