Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
