he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
