She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
