you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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