I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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