sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
