I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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