I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You took a bar mat shot.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
