How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
