I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
