i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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