man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
