Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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