Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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