I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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