Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
