Pants 0. Shit 1.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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