Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
