You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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