before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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