So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
