remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
