at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
