Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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