here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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